"In The Still Of The Night"
I lay upon the soft sheets, freshly laundered,
in thought of many things yet little.
Most prevalent on my mind is the day behind.
One more conglomeration of moments lived with no aid of medication.
many moments without notice, others a battle of mind and body.
I have been medicated for years..used to seeing life the way the pills have chosen me to see..
Pills which altered natural chemicals in my brain for the supposed good.
I have conversation with myself as to whether I have become the definition of those chemicals, those pills and if so, is this person, the person who used to hold the glass of water and bottles each morning, is that person who I was mean't to be or become after all the pain, all the survival techniques..or am I now, after 10 days without, a new version of self?
Will this self be better for it?
Or is this another self to get used to.
I desire to know...I have faced the demons and sent them on their way..
I feel strong, enlightened, valid...Or do I really? Is it or was it an illusion.
Its frightening, honestly.
I am sure not to far removed from facing life without the veil of any addiction..
My husband's theory is that pharmaceuticals for the mind are not that far removed from any reality deferring method we may choose...as a disclaimer I don't believe he is talking about severe illnesses such as schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder and such..
However he does have a point to be heard...we do become dependent regardless. Whether we find our method at a pharmacy, in the beer and wine aisle of the grocery store, in the myriad of liquor bottles so neatly displayed in the liquor store or on a scary street corner.
He called me a "drug addict"...not said with hatred or disdain...but said in truth..his truth for me. He never liked that physicians tended to start writing on their prescription pads before anything else..he never bought into it for me, refused to support their choice..
And after 10 days of withdrawals I hear his voice, his opinion.
It doesn't seem like such a stretch now.
Its hard, but then it was hard before and I know hard. I embrace hard, I don't shy away.
But it is frightening, I got used to the numbness, the steadiness..
I can handle the bouts of dizziness and nausea..
I can handle the adrenaline rushes...the stomach problems...the shakes..
What feels more difficult is the experiencing of emotions that I am not used to.
The questioning inside..does this place feel better than the numb place?
Things look different, I look different to myself, I feel outside of myself..
The Dr says that is takes approximately 24 days for the chemicals to be out of your body and it will get better..
Is that true or their best guesstamation?
I have to remember I WANTED THIS!
So here I am again, in that all too familiar place..."one step at a time"
For all those that have known and stood by someone with any kind of mental illness...I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I salute you...we are: misunderstood, alienated, shied away from, scared of...please know we are in here, in our bodies, in our minds, fighting the good fight, wanting to be heard, needing to be loved regardless.
I know from the outside it is difficult...but nothing like our insides!!!
Tim, my friend, our friend for many years, I hope you read this...the ear of listening that you shared recently with a lost soul of a man was a gift...a gift of love and validity and humanity... you are an the epitome of
"human kindness and compassion" by definition..
that man is forever changed by your gift...the gift of being heard, truly heard!
Before I end you must know...!!! I am a fighter, I am a survivor and I will prevail..
I have chosen this fight, I have chosen to move forward living without and it will be that choice that will drive me on...but having said that, it is always easier knowing whether you turn your head to the right or the left, forward or behind there will be soldiers marching right beside you..whether seen or unseen...!!!
After all, a fighter always has those guys in the corner with the chair, the towels to wipe the sweat and the one who tapes the wounds up...!!!